


Curious For You

by lco123



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 08:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16807483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lco123/pseuds/lco123
Summary: Five times Hanna kissed a girl.





	Curious For You

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was largely inspired by the new project [speakpirate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/speakpirate/pseuds/speakpirate) and I are working on, AKA our podcast! You can check out [Everybody A Everybody Gay: A Queer Exploration of Pretty Little Liars](https://anchor.fm/everybodyapod) wherever you listen to podcasts. We're working our way through season 1 right now, and revisiting some of these early episodes has given me a lot of feelings about queer Hanna.
> 
> Canon- and timeline-wise, this is a little all over the map and I suppose vaguely AU. Basically, think of these as missing scenes from the series that get progressively more AU by the end.

It’s a little weird that Alison invited her over. Well, no, that part’s not weird. It’s the fact that Alison invited her over, solo.

Hanna is used to the five of them traveling as a unit—or, more accurately, for the four of them (Emily, Spencer, Aria and Hanna herself) to move to wherever Ali might happen to be at any given moment. Sometimes Hanna feels like Ali is the sun, and she’s stupid Pluto. Except in addition to being insignificant Pluto is also petite, and Ali makes it clear that Hanna is anything but that.

Today, though, Hanna approaches the entryway to the DiLaurentis house by herself. She wishes Emily or Spencer or Aria were here. Usually she just thinks of them as the other planets orbiting Alison, but right now she’d kill to have them by her side. She feels nervous and too big here without them.

When Hanna knocks Ali answers. She’s home alone today, and upstairs, she’s all smiles. She just got a new curling iron, she tells Hanna, and she wants to try it out.

“You can be my guinea pig,” Ali says, and it’s clear that she isn’t asking.

Hanna sits in the chair, twisting a little uncomfortably as Alison surveys her. She’s sure that Ali’s mentally measuring the width of Hanna’s thighs and the precise pooch of her stomach. Thankfully, she gets to work quickly, though it isn’t long before she starts in with her words.

“You should try out for cheerleading,” Ali suggests as she wraps a thick strand of Hanna’s hair around the iron. “Lucy Magnus is a bigger girl, and they let her on the squad.”

“I don’t know,” Hanna replies. “I’m not sure if it’s for me.”

“Well, you should start some kind of exercise. It’ll help.”

“I kind of like the field hockey uniforms,” Hanna offers. “And then I could be on a team with Spencer.”

The hot iron gets a little too close to Hanna’s scalp and she winces. Ali doesn’t seem to notice.

“Field hockey is super dykey,” Ali declares. “I mean, hello? Pigskin?”

“Pigskin?”

Ali releases a strand of Hanna’s hair into a delicate curl. “Y’know. McCullers.”

“Oh.” Hanna has heard Ali say mean stuff about Paige McCullers before, but Paige honestly doesn’t seem that bad. She just seems kind of angry at the world, which Hanna can relate to.

“If you’re a cheerleader, you’d get to be around Sean,” Alison continues, her voice softening.

“That’s true.” Hanna feels her face flush, and not from the iron.

“You like Sean, don’t you?”

Hanna nods. It’s not exactly a big secret, and Ali’s just trying to help. It’s useless, though. A boy like Sean would never give Hanna a second look.

Alison falls into silence as she finishes up with the back of Hanna’s head. As she moves to the front Hanna starts to feel more nervous, like she’s expected to do or say something. Finally she blurts out, “I’ve never kissed anyone.”

Ali drops the strand of hair she was working with. “You haven’t?”

“No,” Hanna admits. “That’s bad, right? Boys like experience?”

“Some boys do,” Alison acknowledges. “Have you practiced with a pillow?”

Hanna blushes harder, because Ali _so_ has her number. “It’s not the same.”

Ali leans down so they’re at eye level. “Do you really want Sean to be your boyfriend?”

“Yeah,” Hanna replies. “Yeah, I do.”

Ali smiles. “Okay. Then I want you to kiss me, nice and quick. And then you won’t be able to say that you’ve never kissed anyone.”

Hanna gets this weird sensation in her stomach, like déjà vu. Not for herself, but for Ali. In some strange way, she feels like Ali’s done this before.

She tries not to overthink it, either the feeling or the potential ramifications of Ali’s request. She just closes her eyes and presses her lips against Alison’s. The kiss is surprisingly soft, and she likes being this close to another person. It’s chaste, but pleasant. Nice and quick, just like Alison said.

Ali pulls back so fast that Hanna thinks she might be upset, but she merely goes back to what she was doing before, smoothly winding a fresh strand of Hanna’s hair around the hot iron.

Hanna blinks a couple of times. It’s not like there were fireworks or anything, but she didn’t mind the kiss one bit. She actually kind of liked it.

“Was that…gay?” Hanna asks.

Alison clicks her tongue. “Don’t be stupid. Of course not. That’s what friends are for.”

“So you’ve done that before?”

This time, Hanna thinks Ali puts the iron too close on purpose. “Don’t tell anyone about it, okay? It doesn’t matter, and nobody would believe you anyway.”

Hanna isn’t sure if Ali means that nobody would believe her because she’s fat and Ali is hot or that nobody would believe her because they’re two girls. Either way, she thinks it’s best to keep her mouth shut.

By the end of the afternoon she has a head full of curly hair, and one more secret of Alison’s to keep.

\--

Hanna knows that she’s taking forever to get ready, but she doesn’t really care. It’s not like she’s just preparing for school; she and Mona are going to the Kahn Cabin, which is kind of a big deal.

It’s her first cool party without Alison.

Hanna adjusts her belt in the mirror and gives herself a once over. She smiles, pleased.

It’s her first cool party _as_ Alison.

Hanna’s been to the cabin before, with Ali and the girls, but it’s different tonight. For one thing, Emily, Spencer and Aria aren’t here. And for another, people— _boys_ —are actually looking at her and Mona, pushing red Solo cups into their hands with a smile. Hanna sees Noel nudging Sean in the corner, making him take notice.

“Maybe tonight’s the night,” Mona whispers, grabbing Hanna’s arm. “I think you’ve got his attention.”

Mona’s right. Sean is so close to asking her out, Hanna can feel it. She just needs to do something to stand out. And midway through the party, after two and a half cups of whatever concoction Noel’s been handing out, an opportunity presents itself.

“Truth or Dare!” someone bellows. “Who’s in?”

Before, Hanna would avoid Truth or Dare like the plague, certain it would end in humiliation and tears. She can remember a few parties where she and Emily peeled off to a side corner while Alison commanded the room with her willingness to prank call a teacher or down three shots in twenty seconds.

Tonight, Hanna’s hand is the first one in the air. Mona’s eyes go wide and then she quickly smiles as the two of them join the circle forming in the middle of the room.

The group is big, so Hanna doesn’t get a turn for a few minutes. The dares are what she would expect. Ben Coogan has to streak around the outer perimeter of the house, which isn’t a huge deal considering that they’re pretty much in the woods. Riley Wolfe picks Truth and reveals that she wet the bed until she was ten.

Hanna decides right off the bat that she’ll pick Dare every time, because that’s what Alison always did. When it comes to her turn she tries not to seem nervous, even though Noel’s grin gets extra wolfish as he reveals her mission.

“I dare you to kiss Bridget, in front of all of us, for at least thirty seconds.”

On the other side of the circle, Bridget Wu’s mouth opens in a shocked O before she nods. “I’m in.”

Hanna darts her eyes over to Mona, hoping for reassurance or a millisecond’s worth of advice, but Mona’s gaze is straight ahead, and it looks like her nails are digging into her own arm.

Hanna guesses that she thinks it’s a bad idea. But Ali would do it—maybe, probably, _especially_ with boys watching—and Noel is already chanting for them to _kiss already_ , so Hanna crawls across the circle to where Bridget is sitting.

Bridget seems a little tipsy as she offers Hanna an encouraging smile. When Hanna puts her hands on Bridget’s shoulders it occurs to her that they’ve never really talked, and yet here they are about to kiss. It’s kind of a funny thought, though Hanna doesn’t dare laugh right now.

Instead, she sucks in a breath and presses her mouth to Bridget’s. Bridget wastes no time in opening her own mouth. There isn’t any tongue or anything, but it is soft and a little wet and almost hot, except for the wolf-whistling Hanna registers behind her. Thirty seconds sounded endless and awkward exactly thirty seconds ago, but when Hanna stops worrying about putting on a show she kind of enjoys herself. It’s actually jarring when Noel announces that their time is up.

Bridget pushes a hand against Hanna’s shoulder now, gently but firmly inviting her to go away. Hanna feels herself flush as she hurries back to her spot in the circle. Noel winks at her, offering a satisfied-sounding, “Nice going, Marin.” Hanna’s eyes dart to Sean, who she thinks might be blushing. That feels encouraging. The kiss probably turned him on.

She turns to share that thought with Mona but discovers that Mona is gone. The game resumes, though interest seems to die out before there’s a chance for round two.

About an hour later, Noel ends up kicking Bridget Wu out. Apparently, her purse tipped over and a bunch of Noel’s dad’s prescription medication fell out, along with a necklace of his mom’s. “Can’t have people raiding the place,” Noel says by way of explanation after an indignant Bridget stomps out of the party.

Hanna raises her eyebrows at Mona, who thankfully returned for the tail end of the game.

“I can’t believe she’d do that!” Hanna exclaims. “I didn’t even see her leave the room. Did you?”

Mona shakes her head and shrugs. “I didn’t, but it doesn’t surprise me.”

“Why not?”

Mona takes another sip of her drink. She seems so at ease here that it’s hard to believe anyone ever called her Loser Mona. ““You should know this by now, Hanna. Everyone has secrets.”

\--

Rosewood High is freaking _creepy_ after school ends. 

To be fair, it’s never Hanna’s favorite place to be, though during the busy day she can manage. In the early evening, it’s downright eerie. The only reason Hanna is hanging around is because Emily is supposed to give her a ride home after swim practice ends. But now it’s a half hour after practice supposedly ended, and still no Emily. Which means that she’s probably, like, trapped in the pool that’s been infested by literal sharks, or something, given A’s recent shenanigans. Which means that Hanna has to investigate.

She’s more nervous than she’d like to admit as she approaches the locker room. She doesn’t hear any screams, which is a good sign. Hanna calls Emily’s name a couple of times and opens the door when she hears no answer. Inside, she sees one single person packing up: Shana.

“Oh, hey, have you seen Emily?” Hanna asks through the open door, feeling too awkward to go inside.

Shana looks up at her with a vague scowl as she zips her backpack. “Emily left right after practice with Paige.”

Hanna rolls her eyes. “Seriously?! She was my ride!”

Shana shrugs. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Are you the only person here?”

Shana sweeps her gaze back and forth in an obvious manner, as though Hanna is an idiot for asking such a question. “It would appear so.” She pulls her backpack on and walks toward the door, casually flicking off the light switch and brushing past Hanna into the hallway.

She takes about three more steps before speaking again without turning around: “I’m headed to the Brew. I can give you a ride, if you want.”

Hanna exhales in relief. “That would be awesome. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Shana’s tone is characteristically flat. They walk to the school lot in a silence so palpable Hanna thinks it might have a pulse.

Once Shana starts driving Hanna feels like she has to say something. “How do you like being a Shark?” she asks.

“I preferred my old team,” Shana replies. “Though there are certain…advantages.”

“Advantages like Paige?” Hanna asks. “I know you two were a thing.”

“Is this an interrogation?”

Hanna huffs out a breath. “Okay, I’m just trying to make conversation. What’s your problem with me?”

“I have zero problem with you,” Shana replies.

“Could have fooled me!” Hanna clicks her tongue. “Do you have a thing against blondes?”

“What?”

“Well, you seem to like everyone with dark hair, but you’re icy cold with me. Or do I just seem too straight?”

Shana actually pulls the car off to the side of the road at that, putting it in park. “What the hell are you talking about?” she asks lowly.

Hanna recognizes that she may have gotten herself into deep water here, but she feels like it’s too late to back out. “I’m just confused. Did I do something to you?”

Shana blinks a couple of times. “Are you seriously asking me why I don’t flirt with you? You do realize that lesbians aren’t attracted to every woman they meet, just like you aren’t attracted to every floppy-haired boy that you run into?”

“Yes, I do,” Hanna acknowledges. “So you’re saying you aren’t attracted to me? That’s okay, I just want an explanation.”

“I don’t owe you that. I’m voluntarily giving you a car ride, after all.”

“It’s not about owing me something. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m just asking you, person to person.”

Shana sits back in her seat, seeming to consider those words. She speaks again after a long moment. “You remind me of Alison.”

Hanna’s stomach swoops, the way it always does when someone compares her to Ali, even now. “Okay. And that’s a bad thing?”

“As someone whose heart was broken by Ali, yes.” Shana is still staring straight ahead, but for the first time Hanna hears a touch of vulnerability in her voice.

“Ali broke your heart?”

“Not broke it,” Shana amends. “Bruised it, I guess. I was never who she wanted.”

Hanna thinks back to that kiss in Alison’s room. She hadn’t realized at the time what she knew deep down: that it was Emily Ali was secretly sharing kisses with. The puzzle pieces had been right there, Hanna just didn’t put them together until later.

“You’re still helping her,” Hanna points out.

“Of course. She’s Alison.” Shana finally turns to look at Hanna. “And you’re a reminder.”

“I’m sorry,” Hanna says, because she doesn’t know what else to say.

“You don’t have to be.”

“I know. But I am anyway.”

Shana’s gaze softens ever so slightly. “You’re not like her, are you?”

Hanna shrugs. “Depends on who you ask.” She means it lightly, though Lucas and Mona’s faces flash across her mind anyway.

“You wanted me to flirt with you.”

Hanna bites her lip, embarrassed. “I felt left out.”

Shana’s mouth nearly twitches into a smile, and it occurs to Hanna just how pretty she is, especially now that Hanna sees her with her guard down.

Shana clears her throat. “Do you have a map? Because, baby, I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

Hanna laughs so loudly that she has to stifle it with her hand. “Oh my god, that is awful, and _so_ not what I expected.”

Shana does a half chuckle. “It’s the best I’ve got.”

“No, it definitely is not.”

“You’re right,” Shana agrees. “And thank god that’s true.”

She isn’t breaking eye contact, and the mood shifts. Suddenly the heaviness and humor have either died out or mixed together, leaving a trail of tension behind, a loaded feeling in the air. Hanna’s gaze darts between Shana’s eyes and lips before she does the only thing she can think to quell the tension: she crosses the divider between them and kisses Shana. Shana reacts immediately, kissing Hanna back with an intensity that knocks Hanna’s breath out of her lungs. She fists a hand in Hanna’s hair and draws her closer over the center console.

And then just as quickly as it started, they’ve sprung apart, Hanna with her back pressed flat against her seat once more. She’s breathing hard and sure she must look a little crazed.

“What was that?” she asks when she can speak again.

“I…don’t know,” Shana replies. “I’m with someone.”

“Yeah, so am I!”

“So this didn’t happen,” Shana says firmly, her voice back to sounding like ice. “Got it?”

There’s no real point in arguing. Hanna doesn’t even particularly _like_ Shana, as a friend or as anything else. Besides, she has Caleb. It was just a momentarily lapse of something. Judgment or possibly hormones. Sometimes hot people are hot and the only way to deal with it is through kissing. She’s not going to dwell on it.

“Got it.”

Shana puts the car into drive, and they continue down the dark road together.

\--

There were a few times, after Hanna graduated high school and more or less understood that her dad was no longer a part of her life, that she thought it would be easier if he were dead. The grief would be less complicated, more direct. The knowingness that he was still out there, pointedly choosing not to show up rather than being literally unable to, made the hurt feel bigger, more personal.

Now, as she holds Emily’s hand on the walk back to the Fields house after Wayne’s funeral, Hanna feels a stab of guilt for ever thinking that death would be easier to handle. Because Emily is trying to be strong, but she is so clearly falling apart at the seams. Wayne was a good dad, and Emily’s grief is startlingly uncomplicated. But that doesn’t make it any less gut-wrenching.

“I’ll stay for as long as you want,” Hanna offers when they’re up in Emily’s old bedroom. It’s like a time warp being back here. Hanna considers all of the hours she’s spent in this room over the years, all of the people she’s been in the spaces between.

Emily’s eyes are glassy when she looks up at Hanna. The crying hasn’t been so much start and stop as a slow, constant stream. “Can you come back to California with me?”

Hanna nods without even letting the question register. She has classes at the Fashion Institute and a magazine internship and Caleb all waiting for her back in New York, but none of that matters. Emily needs her.

They fly to Los Angeles three days later, which feels like too soon considering Pam’s mental state, though Hanna doesn’t voice that concern. This isn’t her family, even if Emily is.

Emily is living in an off-campus apartment with roommates who make themselves extremely scarce, probably because they don’t want to deal with the girl whose father just died. The apartment is tiny and lacks much charm. Emily’s room feels strangely unlived-in. Hanna notices that her textbooks for the new semester are still sitting by the door in a plastic bag from the school book store.

“Do you want to go out?” Hanna asks once they’re more or less settled in. “Or we could stay in?”

“Stay in,” Emily replies tonelessly as she tucks herself into bed. It hurts to see her like this. Hanna has witnessed Em go through just about every tragedy imaginable, including the death of Maya. But Emily’s never seemed so broken.

Hanna orders all the carb-filled comfort foods she can think of: pizza and spaghetti and garlic bread, then a mountain of Pad Thai for good measure. When the food arrives she fixes them each a plate and climbs into bed beside Emily. “C’mon, eat,” she urges, nudging Emily. “You’ll feel worse if you don’t.”

Hanna sets her laptop up on the bed and selects a random episode of Parks and Recreation from Netflix, because it’s the happiest show she can think of. About halfway through the episode Emily finally starts picking at her food, and she eats nearly half the plate before handing it back to Hanna. Hanna deposits both plates on the bedside table and shifts so that Emily can snuggle closer if she wants to. Em doesn’t say anything, just wordlessly tucks her body into the nook Hanna has provided.

Hanna runs her fingers through Em’s hair as Emily’s breathing starts to even out. Emily hasn’t slept much these past couple days, and as a result of that neither has Hanna. They drift off for a bit, and when Hanna wakes up it’s dark outside and Netflix is asking if they’re still watching.

Emily stirs against her and lifts her head. “Hey,” Hanna says softly. “How was your rest?”

Emily blinks at her a couple of times. She’s close enough that Hanna can feel the warmth of her breath. Even at a time like this, Emily’s still so beautiful.

“I hate feeling this way,” Emily whispers back, her voice gravelly from days of crying. “I wish I could feel something other than pain for one goddamn second.”

Hanna loves Emily with her entire heart. She wants more than anything to take her pain away. Which is why she barely considers her next move before pressing her mouth against Emily’s.

Emily instantly lurches back, eyes wide. “What are you doing?” she demands.

Hanna shakes her head, more than a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to help. We totally can, if you want to.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I wouldn’t kid about something like that.”

“What about Caleb?”

 _What about Caleb?_ Things have been so rocky with them lately. Hanna’s still upset that he didn’t show up for Wayne’s funeral. And while she’s not going to spin some bullshit about this not counting because Emily is another girl, it doesn’t feel like a betrayal to her.

“It’s okay,” she says.

Emily rolls her lips together a couple of times before nodding slowly. “You’re sure?”

“I am,” Hanna promises. “I want you to feel good, even if it’s just for a few minutes.”

Emily looks like she might cry again. “You’re my best friend.”

Hanna isn’t sure what Emily means by that, if it’s an acknowledgment of gratitude or a warning of what a terrible idea this might be. Right now, she doesn’t really care. “I know. You’re mine, too.”

Emily kisses her with a tenderness so achingly at odds with her heartbreak that it nearly brings tears to Hanna’s eyes. She asks for consent every step of the way, even when Hanna is the one touching her, and after Hanna makes her come she asks if she can reciprocate. It’s Hanna’s first time with a girl, but Emily’s either really good at faking it or Hanna gets the hang of things pretty quickly. The sex is good and sad and maybe a little weird, but at no point does it feel wrong to Hanna.

Afterward, they lie side by side, catching their breath.

“Thank you,” Emily says quietly.

“Only you would thank someone after sex.”

“ _Han_.”

“I know.”

Hanna wonders if Emily wishes it was Ali in this bed next to her. She decides that it might not matter. She’s here, and Alison isn’t.

“That’s what friends are for.”

\--

It’s pretty much the last thing Hanna expects, walking into her Thursday afternoon meeting to see Mona Vanderwaal, of all people, sitting at the head of the table.

“Well, hello, Hanna,” Mona says coolly. “Long time, no see.”

That’s an understatement. It’s been nearly four years since they’ve seen one another. They pretty much lost touch after everything that happened around the time of Aria and Ezra’s wedding. Now Aria is divorced, and so is Hanna. She’s thought about calling Mona to apologize dozens of times, but between the divorce and her work and—if she’s being honest—her own cowardice, she’s never picked up the phone.

“What are you doing here?” Hanna asks.

“You hadn’t heard?” Mona replies. “Marin Designs needs new representation. Your HR director reached out to my firm last week.”

Hanna nods. The brand has been selling well but dealing with controversy lately. Hanna’s former buyer was recently accused of sexual misconduct. They conducted an in-depth investigation that found him guilty, but now he’s suing the company for defamation. Hanna’s been up to her ears in legal jargon while simultaneously trying to launch the new line. It was her idea to switch to a female-run law firm, but she must have missed the memo that it was Mona’s.

“This can’t be a coincidence.”

“We’ll talk in private,” Mona suggests with a smile. A good call, considering that the twenty other people in the room are starting to look uncomfortable.

No surprise, Mona is a fantastic lawyer and an even better strategist. By the end of the meeting Hanna feels more confident about the brand’s legal standing, but no less confounded by Mona’s presence.

“Let me buy you a drink,” she suggests to Mona. “I still have a few questions.”

They go to a bar across the street, where Mona orders a dirty martini and chews a little suggestively on the olive. Or maybe Hanna’s seeing what she wants to see. Part of her confusion stems from just how _good_ Mona looks, coiffed and cool in a sleek business suit and a pair of tall boots that Hanna herself designed. And, Hanna notices quickly, no wedding ring.

“So, be honest,” Hanna urges as she sips her Cosmo. “Did my HR director really reach out to you, or was it the other way around?”

Mona raises her hand like she’s taking a pledge. “Scout’s honor, she reached out to me. Though I did jump at the opportunity. I wanted to see you.”

Hanna’s head is swirling with a mix of a hundred different emotions. “I’m sorry, for everything. You deserved better than what you got from me.”

Mona straightens her spine. “I didn’t do any of it for a medal. It was to keep you safe, every time. But I figured, maybe our friendship was over. A relic left behind in Rosewood.”

“I was trying so hard to put it all in the past,” Hanna admits. “I think I lost some of the pieces that mattered.”

“And was I one of those pieces?”

The question shocks Hanna. She isn’t used to Mona being so direct.

“Yes, you were. You always mattered.”

Mona’s eyes widen and she swallows. “I’m sorry about the divorce.”

“But not surprised.”

Mona shrugs, offering a half smile. “I suppose not.”

Hanna shakes her head. “It was for the best, in the end. He has a new girlfriend, and I have a booming business and a lawsuit on my hands.”

“We’ll win,” Mona promises, patting Hanna’s hand. “I never lose.”

Hanna likes the way Mona’s hand feels on hers. She still can’t believe where she is in this current moment, but she decides she’s okay with that.

“I think you’re here for a reason,” she says softly. “Like, on a cosmic-level.”

“Is that so?” Mona’s tone is bemused.

“Yeah,” Hanna replies. Mona’s energy seems to pull her closer. Without even knowing it, she’s leaned in so close that their faces are nearly touching.

“I think maybe something here isn’t finished,” she continues.

“ _Something_?” Mona echoes.

Hanna looks at their hands pointedly. “You know what I mean.” And she’s certain that Mona does.

“I’m not supposed to sleep with a client,” Mona points out, her eyes flicking to Hanna’s mouth.

“Who said anything about sleeping?” Hanna replies. “Besides, wouldn’t you make an exception for me?”

“Always,” Mona sighs, and when Hanna kisses her, she tastes the truth.


End file.
